it scares me sometimes when my feelings for things (and people) can fluctuate from one extreme to the other within a short span of time. like.. wtf? right now? i can't give two shits about anything (or anyone) other than my schoolwork. i haven't gone out to enjoy myself since coming back from penang. every day has been spent in school, and weekends are spent either in school or sitting in the living room. recreational purposes are last on the list of reasons for me to go out. usually, it's cos i've run out of milk.



of course i occasionally do lapse into thoughts of him. like.. stuff. thinking of him does make for an entertaining activity when on the bus, but only when my discman batteries have run out. however, i am glad to admit that he doesn't bother me as much as he did when everything first started.



my ear cannot heal. the exit hole regularly bleeds and the entry hole still has the small bump (it's NOT a keloid). i rubbed betnovate on the bump and it seems to be diminishing in size and puffiness. i think i will continue rubbing betnovate on it until there aren't anymore visible results. ho ho but this won't deter me from my piercing escapades. adventures.



whatever shit.



just watched american idol and group 2 was amazingly, incredibly... agonising to watch. the only people worth watching were the pancake waitress and the voluptuous redhead. but knowing how screwed up america is, the butch might even get in, who i predict will win the majority of the melanielindsay votes. to give her credit, her voice is better than average and she's got the air of a mysterious charmer but i doubt that's sufficient to tide her through till the final eight.



ah well. school tomorrow, as usual. i predict another 12 hour day in school, followed by an all-nighter for the debate on friday. damn.

i'm hopping from blog to blog. i feel like staying here for the moment. where did my sanity go? oh yes, i left it there. i tell people so many times, not knowing that one day, i'd be so affected by it. and you know why i hate myself? because i know it's wrong. so wrong.



and why i hate myself more? because i'm slowly losing what enthusiasm i had for body modification. i don't have the heart to pore through pictures and testimonials on bmezine anymore. something else has become my priority and i had that thing.



I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
And maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling



But if we'd only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains



There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start



Every now and then life says
Where do you think you're going so fast
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind



And if we'd get up off our knees
Why then we'd see the forest for the trees
And we'd see the new sun rising
Over the hills on the horizon



There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose faith
Give the world a chance to say...



A word or two, my friend
There's no telling how the day might end
And we'll never know until we see
That there's gold in them hills



i haven't found the gold yet.