i'm going to rearrange my links. if you don't like the category you've fallen under, then too bad.

i have done the impossible! i got my mother to hum along to jay chou's tornado. beat that, mayling and szening!

the rest of this post is dedicated to someone. i hope you know why i dedicated it to you. gee.. i hope you even know who you are.

ok so like today i was bumming in the tv room, playing havoc with my astro remote control. i couldn't decide which channel to watch because all were like totally snazzy! so i flipped from mtv to channel [v] to axn to star world.

then it like suddenly hit me. like what if i wasn't watching cnn and there was something important like totally happening in the world and i was missing out on it because i was like watching paula malai ali present the top 20 hits in asia?

so like i totally pressed like the cnn channel. and it got me thinking... what if i hadn't pressed the channel for cnn? am i better off knowing less about important global events? now i am empowered with so much knowledge. imagine what and who i can manipulate with that knowledge! then after i thought about that, i thought about my life and like how i'm living it and whether i'm here for a reason. then i had a philosophical bullshit monologue with myself and managed to convince myself that it's the little things i do that affect my life and i should spend my time pondering on these little things and use laughable metaphors and brain-draining analogies to show how clever i am!

sorry la. it's almost 2AM. and i'm hungry.

my excitement at getting the internship has been dampened due to the fact that i'll be forced to work side by side with a stupid kooch stalker i've been avoiding for over a year. you think meathammer was bad? believe me, u haven't seen the worst until badak eclipses your eyesight.

badak used to (and still does) irritate the hell out of me because she used to follow me where ever i went. if i was lucky enough to escape her, i still couldn't escape her avalanche of smses (where are you? what are you doing? who are you with? i'll come find you now. wait for me. i'll eat lunch with you. noooo you stupid woman get away from me leave me alone you mad psycho dependent parasite sucking the fun out of my life). her thick badak skin couldn't interpret my curt replies correctly. my life was a living hell when badak was in it.

$%^*&^%, looks like she's going to invade it again for 5 long, tedious weeks.

hey ho and a merry soul was he!

penang is like a warm toasty oven and i feel like buttered bread, waiting to be slathered with strawberry.. no, make that black cherry jam. i don't know what's been happening in penang due to me being kept in the house for a few days "just in case". but i have shelves of dvds to amuse myself with and my dogs have already been given their much-needed baths.

the internet connection here is pretty erratic.

sometimes people unintentionally say things that hurt other people. of course they didn't mean to hurt the other person but sometimes they're just blissfully unaware of the emotional repercussions of their words. or how their words hit the other person like a ton of bricks smack in their face, smashing every delicate facial bone and breaking every tooth.

i'm really good at pretending i don't care at all when inside i'm desperately clawing my eyes out and winding my intestines around my nervous fingers. apathy is a skill i have mastered flat inside out roundabout left right straight crooked. hoho. blink your eyes. twice. look away. sigh deeply. act nonchalant. look everywhere else except at the other person(s). they'll shut up soon enough. you don't want too many details, anyway.

YOU STUPID DUMBSHIT IGNORANT FRICKIN BLIND FOOL! I HATE YOU! THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE, YOU BOMBASTIC QUEEN MOTHER MORON!

walaowei!! *grin*

zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo tan le yi tian
shui zhao de da ti qin
an jing de jiu jiu de

commendable powers of persuasion and pieces of crumbled resistance lie around her feet. jay chou replaces jacky cheung twice. apologising and then trying very hard not to laugh (or cringe). patient explanations of an unknown language and then later making her laugh so hard her flushed cheeks start to ache. the blue light coming from his heart and the cigarette burn on her most precious shirt. esther and sean. sean and the fat chick. the fat chick and kit. tigers round the table and a glass goes flying through the air, landing near the door. she observes him picking up the unbroken glass and it sinks deeper. he tries to protect her but she pushes him away. i'm not drunk, she lies. go away. she steadies herself and steps into 7-11 where she sees shelves of potato chips and condoms (ribbed). he nibbles her shoulder and she wears a mask of stony indifference. the perfect evening ends with the perfect question.

one day arnie the armpit was to appear on national television in front of a 'live' audience. he was so nervous he breathed in armpit hair and it clogged up his respiratory system. oh no! on national television, arnie the armpit turned red in the face and he started to gasp for air.

byebye arnie, everyone cried, as he was booed off stage.

he never got over the embarrassment and from now on, regularly employs the help of mach3.

"clean-shaven is the way to go" is arnie the armpit's new motto.

how's everyone? my exams are finito mundo and don't you hate it when people say that while you're still struggling pitifully with yours? how despicable i am.

i have had starbucks caramel frappicino for three days in a row and it's getting a bit geli. i hate feeling so stifled. bet you didn't know that. hah but maybe you did. everyone hates being stifled. i hate smothering asthma-inducing wooly blankets with poisonous tentacles (also known as e.b.).

i like people who make me laugh. last night was the hardest i've ever laughed in a long time. you don't get to laugh much when you're juggling five projects simultaneously on your back and being irritated by irritating people who are unaware of their irritating behaviour. anyway, i wish i could say more about last night but i'm too lazy to type (actually, i'm not but i need an excuse).

i tried to watch tv today but there was nothing that had a remote chance of being interesting. how strange, i thought, because during exams there were loads of nice things to watch and it took intense willpower to tear myself away from the tv. but now, when i have all the time in the world, i am bombarded by mtv classic, cooking shows and soap operas. how mind-numbingly dull.

check out my latest link added just 5 seconds ago. he's called the IT guy (not IT, but ai tee) for reasons only me and ten other people know.

long live people with pimples on their chins!!

in reference to my last post and some queries i've received,

no, i'm not dana the dandelion. my name is d-e-n-i-s-e.

no, my stories have no "hidden meaning". i do not possess the patience nor the desire to embed key events in my life in stupid stories with NO MEANING WHATSOEVER.

no, i'm not homosexual. i just feel that homosexuality is an understated issue rarely raised in the animal/botany kingdom.

just felt like i needed to clarify some stuff.

have a good day. love xxx.

a long time ago, in the bright sunshine, shirley the snake was minding her own business and suntanning. there she was, lying belly side up when she suddenly caught sight of dana the dandelion flying over her head.

"oh beautiful dandelion! what is your name for i would like to get to know you!"

"it's dana!" giggled the nauseatingly sweet flower.

"dana! such a pretty name for a pretty being. come lay down beside me and enjoy the sun with me!"

dana the dandelion did just that and they spent the whole afternoon together, making up limericks and insulting each other's mothers.

alas, the sun set and it was time for dana to go. she didn't want to miss the last north-east breeze that would carry her home.

"dana, don't go! i love you!"

"shirley, please don't make this harder. my parents will dislike you on sight. you're just an ugly, ignorant, stupid reptile. besides, i'm already engaged to the karate-chopping gerbil, germaine."

dana hopped into the stirrings of the breeze and was carried off, leaving behind nothing but a trail of her sweet scent.

shirley breathed it all in, coiled up and cried herself to sleep.

one sunny afternoon, percy the peacock was taking a stroll on the riverbank. he slipped on a deadly patch of frictionless moss, fell into the river and drowned (i knew your beautiful feathers would be the end of you, his plain-coloured mother wailed at his funeral).

from then on, he haunts the river on a gondola made of candy canes every starry night, serenading those around with his soulful rendition of "summer lovin" from the grease soundtrack.

it took his mother seven months to get over her grief.

one day cyril the cockroach was hungry. a two hour session of careful rummaging through filthy dustbins yielded nothing that appealed to his palate.

you may think that cyril the cockroach, being a cockroach, would have no qualms whatsoever with eating filth, especially the one that came from two days leftovers; stale, mouldy and fit for a king (a cockroach king). many a cockroach would have killed to get their feelers on the filth that cyril the cockroach was nonchalantly throwing aside.

you see, cyril the cockroach didn't think that two days leftovers deserved to be eaten by him. he believed that he was the reincarnation of the great Baron Henry Gothball, who apparently lost a battle with pneumonia two and a half centuries ago. cyril the cockroach doubted that someone as great as Baron Henry Gothball would succumb so easily to a puny mortal disease. he knew that the great Baron had been poisoned by his mo... ah, but i digress.

anyway, cyril the cockroach, sick of being treated like a cockroach, decided to take charge of his life. he refused to associate himself with the other lowly peasant unreincarnated cockroaches. he was, after all, the great Baron Henry Gothball.

so cyril the cockroach donned his best clothes, gelled his feelers into what he assumed was quite a dashing feelerstyle and tucked his gelled feelers under a shiny tophat (i have to admit that he had never looked more handsome). he swaggered into one of the swankiest restaurants in town and gave his name to the maitre d. ("Baron Henry Gothball i am. please show me to my table").

the waiters were quite astonished. never had they served a baron! Baron Henry Gothball at that! so they ushered cyril the cockroach to their best table in the centre of the restaurant and gave him their most attentive service ever.

cyril the cockroach was understandably very happy. he gave the waiters a big tip and left the restaurant with a satisfied smile (and the phone number of the attractive lady from table seven).

ah, lucky cyril the cockroach. he dined at the restaurant every single night until his unfortunate death**.

in honour of their most loyal patron, the restaurant renamed their pepper steak to "Fillet ala Baron Gothball".

from then on, it became their most popular steak.

**cyril the cockroach did not die from pneumonia.

a spider spun its web on my fingers one fine day. then its beautiful home was destroyed when i scratched my nose. so the spider persevered and built another web. this time, the web was even more beautiful and delicate than before, a silky sheen of gossamer resting in an intricate pattern on my hand. the spider was tired after all the spinning so he went to take a nap. while he was sleeping, i painted my fingernails and thought the spider's web would look even more beautiful if it were covered in a warm, golden hue, sort of like the sun, except toastier. so i took the liberty of sprinkling a little colour into the spider's home.

when the spider uncurled himself from his nap, i waited expectantly for his reaction. i wanted to see him jump in glee, slap his eight legs in the air, do a little irish jig (he's from dublin he claims) and spin another web, just so i could paint it another breathtaking colour.

but, nay. the ungrateful spider screamed in horror and went on a rampage, destroying its fragile home that it painstakingly built. it tore the once beautiful web to shreds, bit my fingers and injected venom into my veins.

i was unperturbed. i stuck my hand in the pond and let my carnivorous koi eat the ungrateful arachnid.

the spider's name is (was) frederik.

so i don't think he was from ireland.